The Force Awakened a boner in my pants when I saw Leia again. She was the first woman I stroked my lightsaber to as a young boy… well, besides my pre-school teacher Mrs. Burkhart, but that doesn’t count.

I can’t believe my entry was rejected at the gingerbread house contest at church!! I spent hours working on that thing only to be denied the “Most Creative” ribbon?!

Every time I hear the March of the Toy Soldiers on the Xmas station, I just gotta dance…even if I’m stuck in traffic and the only place to dance is alongside the highway! Why do the pigs always gotta ruin a girl’s good time just when her candy cane show was getting good!! Fuck the police!!

• Tammy Tornado