It’s about goddamn time!

I’m honored to be the first woman on an American bill,

but they could’ve at LEAST put me on a $20!

10 bucks doesn’t get you much at the drive-thru these days!

First Woman on US currency!

How many times do I have to tell you dirty sluts to KEEP YOUR FILTHY TWATS OUT OF MY HOUSE!? Chris​topher and Tammy​ are NOT allowed to have house guests of the whorish variety! But hey, if the sex is SO good that it’s worth the risk of getting your tits hacked off by yours truly…well, then I guess I can’t be that mad because I’m sure it’s my fault. I mean, after all… they inherited their natural sexual prowess from ME!

I’ve been hearing mixed reviews about the new Jurassic World movie. But really, what do I care? I’ll be in the back row, focusing on Chris Pratt while grinding my cooter down on the seats as they rumble and vibrate from the subwoofers beneath them! Isn’t that why everyone goes to the IMAX theater?

SO, THIS IS WHAT GREATNESS FEELS LIKE?! HOT DIGGITY DAMN!

There I was, sitting on my Jazzy in front of my house just enjoying a cup of coffee while airing out my stank tank when the Salvation Army truck rolled up to the curb and tried to hoist me in the back, mistaking me for a discarded curbside sofa! How… fucking…rude!

Is it legal for a gynecologist to turn away a patient? How rude!

I’m almost all out of ice cream so…

you better hide your cocks better than Caitlyn Jenner cuz I’m coming for them!!

Mammy Tornado:

Once again, I had a shit attack in the dead of night. I scurried to the bathroom to find that SOMEONE had left the light on all night, and wouldn’t you know it, the motherfucking bulb blew out as soon as my asshole opened up! I couldn’t stop once I started and I sure as hell couldn’t see where I was squatting in the dark…just look at the mess I made!! THIS is why I constantly nag Chris and Tammy about turning lights OFF when they’re done! Fucking kids!

All this rainy weather is making me lazy! (Mr. Pickles, too!)