Where my bitches at?

Of course, none of my fortune cookie predictions ever come true…until today.

Tammy dragged me to the trailer park to meet her latest girlfriend Roberta. Wouldn’t you know, this finger fucker used to be a dick sucker because she has a daughter! If this kid thinks I won’t slap that bratty teenage face off her head just because she’s not blood related…she’s in for a rude awakening. #FML

You ever down 4 boxes of wine, get stoned out of your gourd while skinny dipping in the pond behind your house, then freak the fuck because you’re convinced that a big, fat, slimy leech is sucking on your pussy only to realize that it’s just your own big, fat, slimy clit? No? Me either.

These goddamn allergies are really putting a damper on my sex life!

I was all hopped up on sugar, heading home from Dunks after inhaling 4 dozen donuts and a Box o’ Joe. I was showboatin’ on my scooter when all of a sudden, I went from walking on sunshine to swimming in sewage. And the day has only just begun…

I work out.

Today is International NO DIET DAY!
Finally! A holiday I can get behind! Stay chubby, assholes!