You may have a hard time getting a hold of me this weekend. I’ve got big plans.

I guess I can add Dog Park to the long list of places I have been banished from

for “inappropriate behavior.” Prudes!

Good morning, lovers! Remember to never skip breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day…until lunch! Pray for me because in about 2 hours I’ll be making my way to the shitter and God only knows if I’ll survive the stench of my own Egg McMuffin log. Wheww!

Here we go again!

Why is it so hard for people to believe that I just happen to find porn everywhere I go?

I swear it’s not mine!

What do you do for fun on the weekends?

At the supermarket…trying not to shit myself. If I get up…I’ll shit. If I sit here, I still might shit. I can only clench for so long! Little hot popper farts keep sneaking out. Oh god. My guts are rumbling and I’m breaking into a sweat here! I don’t know what to do and Tammy​ ‘s off flirting with Rosa the deli clerk! Oh my god…it’s happening…

I think I might be doing this wrong…but it feels so right!

Nothing pisses me off more than getting to the supermarket to find that all the mobility scooter carts are already TAKEN by LAZY OLD PEOPLE! Those assholes can walk just fine when they’re shuffling up to the front of the bingo hall to collect their winnings!! If I die of a heart attack from overexertion today… I’m blaming it on Charlotte Short! Guilt by old ass association!

When your workplace decides you can’t be trusted and they start monitoring your internet usage…you have to resort to desperate measures if you want to jerk off during lunch break. You wouldn’t think Susan Boyle would make for good fapping material, but damn she can open her mouth pretty wide and that’s good enough for me!

I have to persuade my local McDonalds to let me back in! Sure, I may have flattened two thirds of the ball pit and the Fire Dept. had to cut me out of the Officer Big Mac jail house… but it’s not really as big a deal as they’re making it! At least not big enough to ban me for LIFE! Would you all sign a petition to help me??