You can catch me down at the new DD on Main St. for their grand opening this morning. I’m the celebrity guest! I will sign autographs but only on your tits, twats or cocks. See you there!

Thanks for nothing you assholes! I could be dead right now and none of you would’ve noticed!! On Friday, Tammy left me in the car while she ran in to Home Depot. I was then kidnapped by a gang of horny Mexican illegals who were gathered out front. I spent all weekend chained up behind some abandoned warehouse where I was forced to perform sexual acts for the high rollers in between cock fights! (not the homo kind, the rooster kind!) Even the police had their way with me before releasing me. I’m not gonna say I hated it, though…

My old fart neighbor Mrs. Swiderski had to be rushed to the hospital this afternoon, so I offered to dog sit for her until she gets back. I’m so glad we have plenty of peanut butter in the house. It’s gonna be a lonnnng night. And just look at my kitty cat getting all dramatic about having to wait his turn to play “how many licks” with his Mammy! Mind your manners, Mr. Pickles. Everyone knows…guests go first!

I’m on my way home from my filet o fish feast at McDonald’s and THIS is what I have to deal with. As if maneuvering my scootahhh through snow and ice for the past 2 months hasn’t been bad enough… it is now melting and leaving me with new obstacles to try and avoid!! (There’s nothing worse than rolling through dog shit then tracking it through your house when you make a b-line to the toilet after 4 hours of steady grazing at Micky D’s!!)

I love Lent, for no other reason than McDonald’s special Filet O’ Fish offer – 2 for $4!

I’d be willing to pay extra if Pringles would put a twister on the bottom of their cans (like on deodorant sticks) to bring the chips closer to their destination. The Chelmsford Fire Department is no longer responding to any food related calls I make. And quite frankly, I shouldn’t have to work this hard for a goddamn potato chip anyway!

Come on down to Babe’s Bar in Chelmsford where I’ll be hosting tonight’s festivities! Aside from the Lumberjack and Jill contest, there will be dollar beers, jello scissoring and knocker boxing! Buy your tickets NOW!

The Doctors finally found a way to lure my tapeworm out into the open. We were all a little shocked by its size but hey, it’s been eating as well as I have for decades! Once I realized they were going to take a flame thrower to it, I couldn’t bare the thought of losing what may be my one, true friend. I quickly sucked it back in and had Tam Tam drive us home immediately. Well, not before hitting up McDonalds, Wendy’s and Taco Bell!