I spent the day at the aquarium trying to pick up chicks. I think the shark costume might have been a little too much. They all looked terrified and most times ran off screaming. It wasn’t long before I was the one running and screaming when security chased me out!

Shark Week 2014 is finally here, bitches!

I’m attending my first “Plus Size Exercise” class at the YMCA today. Today’s focus is on ribbons and interpretive dance. Fuck that queer shit. I faked a sugar low so I could just kick back and enjoy some ice cream while I watch these skinny bitches sweat!

Sweet Jesus, my kids were just supposed to drop me off and then LEAVE! Now they’re joining in, grinding up on the aerobics instructor! Oh God, I feel a sexual harassment charge coming on. Tammy! Put your shirt back on! Christopher, stop dry humping!! Dammit!

You’re Welcome, Boys.

I’m so friggin’ excited to be eating at my favorite restaurant in Ipswich, Mass.

FUCKING CLAM BOX!! YEAHHHHHHHHH!