I’m finally home from my whirlwind holiday tour of the east coast. My family is fatter than ever, my friends (Like Charlotte) are horny and drunk as ever and Santa returned feeling to my left foot! It was a friggin’ Christmas miracle!

But, I gained so much weight over the past week that I can’t pull my pants up over my gunt! I am exhausted but will resume delivery of my daily sexual threats and harassment once I’ve rested up. Go Pats!