All posts for the month June, 2013
Well…it appears that Tammy has managed to calm down the angry, mulleted dyke on our front lawn. The two have retired to the garage where they are now pounding Coors Light, smoking reefer and apparently pole dancing. Who does that at 11am on a Tuesday morning, besides Kristofer Scumdog Bundy or William Reyes?!! And it’s just plain rude not to offer some to the lady of the house!
My entire family was so distraught over the Bruins loss last night. Christopher ran off into the night wearing only his not so “lucky” Bruins boxers. He still hasn’t returned! Then, in a fit of alcohol induced rage…Hal slammed Clive’s head into the freezer door and now it’s jammed shut and I can’t get to my snacks! And to top it all off… I wake up to some angry lesbian outside who keeps pounding on the door and repeatedly calling Tammy‘s cell phone. She’s yelling something about the Bruins, tits and I distinctly heard “pay up dyke slut!” and “I’ll tear that pussy up!” Now I’m not sure if it’s fighting or flirting! Calgon take me away!!!
I’m going on a weekend trip to Foxwoods with my bff Charlotte Short . We’re going to get more slot action than Patti Santa Preziosi at an Indigo Girls concert! We’re going to beat the tables more than Blu beats his sad little tube of meat while looking at photos of my foop! We’re going to get luckier than Jeff Damal in a construction zone full of traffic cones! We’re going to hit the buffet lines harder than Jeff Bush hits lines of cocaine! We’re going to collect more coins than Bambi Piddleton on quarter BJ night at the bus stop! We’re going to play more poker than Carl Grace with a lubed up finger in a room full of exposed anuses! In short, we’re gonna have a gay old time!
Happy Father’s day to all you DILFs out there. My children’s father, Dick Tornado ran out on us nearly 25 years ago. So today we are roasting a pig after stapling his pic to it’s snout and throwing darts at it. I just hope Clive doesn’t take it too far again this year and piss on it before we have a chance to eat it!