Remember Liquid Leather?

I found an old bottle and figured I’d try it out on my skin.

Lo and behold, it works!!

Bed sores be gone!

Clean it up you dirty twats!

This morning, Tammy gently woke me up and told me that she and Patti Santa Lezbioski had big plans for me today. I though, How exciting! While she was shampooing her mullet I waddled outside to wait for Lezbioski’s arrival.That’s when I saw my grabber, a large sack and chloroform on the tailgate of Tam Tam’s truck! I’m hiding beneath my neighbor’s Winnebago and now I think I’m stuck. Please send help before they follow my trail of sweat!

Stop playing games with my heart.

Did anyone else wake up feeling sexy this morning? Mmmm Who wants to let me play ring toss with my donuts and your pee pee?

Bonus: I’ll eat them off of you!

Don’t judge me!

I stumbled across an old wedding photo and started reminiscing. My ex husband used to threaten to sew my asshole shut and keep feeding me, and feeding me, and feeding me. Such a romantic. No wonder I became such an emotional eater! Just seeing his picture is making me binge! I HATE YOU DICK TORNADO!!!

Since I’ve become somewhat of a local celebrity, the mayor personally asked if I would read to the children in town this afternoon. So, I’ll be at the Chelmsford Public Library at 2pm to read from one of my favorite books and teach the children that fat is fabulous! (More importantly, there will be a meet and greet complete with coffee and snacks afterwards!)

The tragic events that have occurred in Boston today have just reassured me that:

1.) Evil lurks…

2.) it’s a good thing that I’m a fat, lazy slob who would never think to run a marathon or even leave my house to watch one.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of Boston.

117th Boston marathon today! I prepared by eating a huge pasta/carb last night, just like the runners do. I should’ve let it digest before walking to the fridge for another can of Tab. I got a cramp and fell down in pain. I made it through the night by eating all the Lil’ Debs that were within my reach. Supplies are running low and now all I can do is wait for Chris Tornado or Tammy Tornado wake up and help me…help…me…

I think I have elves living in my home…or a son with a foot fetish! I woke up this morning to find my toenails painted! Who…what?? They do look nice though… (Hey, I’m not gonna complain unless I start waking up with a sore asshole.)

Let me start by saying that I haven’t had a period in over 7 years. However, during tonight’s sponge bath…Christopher found a tampon string dangling and gave it a tug. Out it came, tangled up with 4 paperclips, my lucky bingo barrette, a skeleton key and a goddamn chicken bone. Oh my! I’m willing to raffle off these prizes if there’s any interest.