This morning, Tammy gently woke me up and told me that she and Patti Santa Lezbioski had big plans for me today. I though, How exciting! While she was shampooing her mullet I waddled outside to wait for Lezbioski’s arrival.That’s when I saw my grabber, a large sack and chloroform on the tailgate of Tam Tam’s truck! I’m hiding beneath my neighbor’s Winnebago and now I think I’m stuck. Please send help before they follow my trail of sweat!
I stumbled across an old wedding photo and started reminiscing. My ex husband used to threaten to sew my asshole shut and keep feeding me, and feeding me, and feeding me. Such a romantic. No wonder I became such an emotional eater! Just seeing his picture is making me binge! I HATE YOU DICK TORNADO!!!
Since I’ve become somewhat of a local celebrity, the mayor personally asked if I would read to the children in town this afternoon. So, I’ll be at the Chelmsford Public Library at 2pm to read from one of my favorite books and teach the children that fat is fabulous! (More importantly, there will be a meet and greet complete with coffee and snacks afterwards!)
117th Boston marathon today! I prepared by eating a huge pasta/carb last night, just like the runners do. I should’ve let it digest before walking to the fridge for another can of Tab. I got a cramp and fell down in pain. I made it through the night by eating all the Lil’ Debs that were within my reach. Supplies are running low and now all I can do is wait for Chris Tornado or Tammy Tornado wake up and help me…help…me…
Let me start by saying that I haven’t had a period in over 7 years. However, during tonight’s sponge bath…Christopher found a tampon string dangling and gave it a tug. Out it came, tangled up with 4 paperclips, my lucky bingo barrette, a skeleton key and a goddamn chicken bone. Oh my! I’m willing to raffle off these prizes if there’s any interest.