Dick Clark had a chance to pick me as his predecessor but nooooooooo. In his stroked out state, he chose that boring Douchebag Seacrest. If I were hosting the NYE countdown, I’d have the top 10 hottest female celebrititties of 2012 take turns flashing their knockers as we counted down. Then you’d all cheer and kiss while you watch my balls drop at midnight while a choir of 42 porn starletts queef Auld Lang Syne!
Who wants to join this foxy BBW for a bonfire and boxed wine? You know where I live. Come on by! I’m out back with Tammy and Chris waiting for the snow to roll in. I’m making S’mores and roasting weenies! Let’s get drunk and fuck!
My brother Clive claims he “bumped into the Biebs” at Logan Airport last night. I find it hard to believe he wasn’t stalking him since he was prepared with that t-shirt. Pedo.
I’m a “Shoe In” to get some pussy tonight!
I just spent a good 45 minutes getting myself loaded up on my scooter. I opened the garage door and made it only about 10 feet into the driveway before the wind and rain kicked my ass. Sonofabitch blew away my umbrella and satchel full of coupons! Screw you apocalyptic weather and screw you Walmarks, I didn’t want to take advantage of your low prices anyway!