Dick Clark had a chance to pick me as his predecessor but nooooooooo. In his stroked out state, he chose that boring Douchebag Seacrest. If I were hosting the NYE countdown, I’d have the top 10 hottest female celebrititties of 2012 take turns flashing their knockers as we counted down. Then you’d all cheer and kiss while you watch my balls drop at midnight while a choir of 42 porn starletts queef Auld Lang Syne!
Who wants to join this foxy BBW for a bonfire and boxed wine? You know where I live. Come on by! I’m out back with Tammy and Chris waiting for the snow to roll in. I’m making S’mores and roasting weenies! Let’s get drunk and fuck!
I just spent a good 45 minutes getting myself loaded up on my scooter. I opened the garage door and made it only about 10 feet into the driveway before the wind and rain kicked my ass. Sonofabitch blew away my umbrella and satchel full of coupons! Screw you apocalyptic weather and screw you Walmarks, I didn’t want to take advantage of your low prices anyway!
Driving cross country on a diet of jack daniels and cocaine, trying to make it to Britney before the world ends! I want to finger blast that crazy bitch just once before I die! Ever since she shaved her head I knew she was a bulldagger like me and we were meant to be together!
Keep the Xmas cards coming! Or do the Xmas cards keep ME cumming?? You have been helping me get penetrated daily for the past few weeks. Every day my neighbor Betty gives me a ringy dingy when the postman is headed in my direction. She’s 2 blocks over, so it gives me enough time to work my way off the sofa to the front door. Once I catch my breath, I drop trow & back my cooter up against the mail slot hoping to swallow up my sexy postman’s fingers! It works like a charm, every damn day!
Christopher and Tammy… I don’t know which one of you keeps tearing pages out of my brand new Enquirer and Star magazines every time we run out of toilet paper, but I’m sure I’ll be able to tell in the morning when we all sit down for breakfast and one of you can’t because your asshole is full of paper cuts. That’s’ what you get jackoffs!
Something about all the twinkling lights and the smell of evergreen just make me want to bake sugar cookies and eat them in the nude while playing “how many ornaments can I fit in my snatch”. Who wants to come over?
I’m back from my little soiree with Charlotte Shortee in the Big Apple this weekend! We enjoyed the Christmas spectacles and even became one when I made the mistake of wearing my green fleece snuggie to Rockefeller Center. Some snot nosed brats attempted to adorn me with ornaments! We shared bacon, participated in a lounge act, saw a wonderful band and spent the night hitting on gay men, straight men and even Geraldo Rivera. (He said no to a mustache ride. Rude!)
What is wrong with people today wearing pajamas in public? If you can’t put some goddamn jeans and sneakers on then you should just fall into a goddamn coma so then you can wear pajamas ALL DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Some people just have no class. Tsk Tsk Tsk.