All posts for the month September, 2012
Good morning you skanks and cornholers…(well, it’s one in the same really). It’s very frustrating being on Facebook comment lockdown. It has made me an angry, bitter woman. I’ve begun to mistreat my own flesh and blood. This weekend I beat my son Christopher more than I beat my own pussy…and that’s a lot. I have nothing better to do all day than watch the Hallmark Channel and fucking eat. Even Mr. Pickles is scared for his 9 lives!!
Don’t you hate when your son comes home with a couple dozen pulled pork sandwiches along with tubs of mashed potatoes, mac n’ cheese, coleslaw and cornbread and you can’t dig in until after he rolls you outside to power wash your lady parts because no one can stand to eat with your funk in the air? It’s torture I tell you! Dammit all to hell!
Crap. Mammy caught me trying to sneak past her into the kitchen to fill my backpack with snacks for LARPing tonight. Who knew that nifty nabber claw of hers was so freakin’ strong? As close as she got to grabbing my albino python, you’d think she was Steve Irwin or some shit! Now I’m stuck spending my Friday night washing her every nook and cranny. FML.
I totally won 1st place in the Muff Diving competition at the Lesbolympics tonight! You can see the dried snail trails staining the front of my shirt. Hell yeah! Unfortunately the pic of me licking the trophy pussy made me look fat, so I ain’t posting it! Thanks to Chelmsford High for allowing us to use the gymnasium to promote healthy lifestyle choices. Exercise and eat right, kids. When you’re going down on a woman you’re doing both. So keep up the good work!
There I was just standing outside the women’s restroom at the park, minding my own business … doing nothing wrong! When all of a sudden some vigilante granny comes at me with her cane. Thank God her hip gave out and I was able to outrun the silver fox. Her rage kind of turned me on…I’m gonna head back and try to get her number.
I got invited to a kid’s birthday party today and thought for sure I’d be miserable. No beer, no smoking, no strippers. But I’ll be damned if I didn’t find the biggest ape crotch to crawl inside. And it didn’t even belong to Patti this time!
Charlotte Shortee and I had the most wonderful time getting wild at the church bazaar this morning! “Surfing for Our Savior” has been their best theme yet! Such wonderful photo ops! Sorry I got in the way of yours Shortee, but I felt a sugar low coming on so I was making a b-line for the cake walk!