Ooooh looky! I made the news!
“The Guinness Book of World Records named Pauline Potter the “winner” of the World’s heaviest woman record. Mammy Tornado claims that she has Ms. Potter beat and she demands the respect and accolades that accompany the esteemed title. However, her actual weight remains unverified. This scandal could rock the fat community like the steroids scandal rocked baseball.Could Mammy be on performance enhancing drugs causing her to fear a weigh in? Or is she just stuck on her couch?”
Dearest Patti Santa Preziosi,
I hear you woke up to find your lawn all torn up. In case you didn’t figure it out by my Lil Deb calling card, that’s right it was ME! That’s what you get for being such a raging bitch to me! I also stole your turkey deep fryer from your patio. (I’ll return it next weekend.) Until then….muah ha haaa ha haaaaaaa! It ain’t over til the fat lady tears shit up!
Ooooh how exciting! I just got a booty call from Blu Reyes! He says he needs my healing powers help him pass a kidney stone. It will be like sucking venom out of a snake bite … using my cooter! I’ve only got 15 minutes to curl my hair and spray some Febreeze in all my hot spots! Hooray for penetration!
Here are 5 basic rules for any dude looking to pick up hot chicks at LARPing events! (Live Action Role Playing)
1.) Dress to impress.
Don’t worry if you don’t have mad cash. I just tell chicks I’m saving up for a real fur barbarian loincloth big enough to hide my junk. Until then, my tinfoil vest and saucepan helmet continue to reel in the poon.
2.) Ask her about her character.
The only thing chicks love more than talking, is talking about themselves. Even if you’re not listening, make sure you nod and smile and try not to stare at her tits the whole time.
3.) Compliment her on her skills.
Challenge her to a duel, but let her win. It’ll make her feel good and having her clean your wounds in your tent will definitely get you some alone time. But make sure she never finds out you let her win just so you could get laid.
4.) Protect the easy target.
Nothing drives me crazier than watching some douchebag annihilate a beautiful LARPer, especially when said douchebag is physically superior. Seeing another man tearing her clothes off, leaving her alone and afraid in the woods won’t happen on my watch! Tip: Rush to her side and protect her honor, she’ll thank you later on that night in your tent. It worked for me!
When you finally spot the girl who’s giving you a stiffy, don’t stalk her for an hour before trying to strike up a conversation. If you can’t pull the trigger within 10 minutes then its time to pack up and move on. Nobody likes a creepy LARPer.