I know this may come as a surprise to some of you, but I am a lesbian and proud of it. Having celebrated Pride month, I realize I’d like to renew my vows to my lesbot sistren.
- I vow to scissor ’til my “blades” get dull and floppy.
- I vow to munch carpet ’til my teeth rot out of my head. Even then, I promise to gum that roast beef with all my heart.
- I vow to fingerbang you ’til my hands grow old and wrinkled. Even then, the arthritic curve of my fingers might just hit the spot!
- And I vow to lick pussy ’til my tongue rots off. That one may happen sooner than later!
When I got home from work, Mammy was freaking out about dinner. According to her, she was starving and it felt like her fupa was about to turn on her if she didn’t feed it soon. So I called Dominoes and ordered her usual 10 large meat lovers pizzas and bread sticks.
I figured I had at least 30 minutes to kill before the delivery guy showed up, so I proceeded with my evening routine. I made myself a couple of fried egg sandwiches, kicked off my shoes and threw in a disc from Baywatch season 7. The episode where C.J.’s mom visits while she’s on the run from the law. MILF action!
Anyway, I know what happens when I see Pam Anderson’s slow-mo titties, and I should’ve known better than to try and eat while choking my chicken, but I was hungry … and horny.
Then, as if God was watching and determined to teach me a lesson, I took one bite of the first egg sandwich and suddenly my chicken wasn’t the only thing that was being choked!
I must’ve blacked out because when I came to, Mammy had her lips on mine, but she wasn’t blowing air into me…she was sucking it out! I felt so confused and dirty. When I pushed her off of me she sat close, breathing heavily, chewing on a chunk of egg she sucked out of my throat!
If anyone needs me, I’m gonna be hiding out in my room for the rest of the night. It’s safer down here.
Even though I was unconscious for most of it… getting this tattoo hurt more than the time I crashed the mail truck into a pole while getting road head from a horny housewife on my route. The old slut bit down upon impact. When she sat up and pulled her face off my wang, her teeth stayed behind!
I try to keep it under 60 now. Not my speed, but the age of women I’ll mess around with.
SONOFABITCH! Here I was minding my business enjoying some snacks in the backyard when a little birdie came up to me. Normally I would never even think to share, but he was just so cute so I tossed him a crumb of my Swiss Roll.
Well, wouldn’t you know that little bastard was just the scout for a whole swarm of them to swoop in and attack my snacks! Now my scooter is stuck in the grass and my Nutty Bars fell out of my reach! Leave no snack behind!! You’ll never get my Little Debbies you shit bombing little sky rats!
I traveled to Manhattan to participate in the Pride Parade last weekend! I hate the NY Yankees, but I love them NY dykes!
I nearly lost my Pussy Wagon trailer half way there when a tire blew! But like me, that old girl was determined to reach the city full of hot, sweaty, celebrating lesbots!
LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! I’m famous! Nobody call me! I’m keeping my line open in case Lifetime or Oprah calls me to buy my story!
Follow this link to watch the video: